Which has been difficult lately. I'm not very inspired, or biblical it feels like. I have made a commitment not to complain here because that's not what this space is for. Besides, I owe it to my 12 readers to not be mopey, self-pitying and melodramatic. However, this school year has, so far, been nothing really short of miserable. It's not just me, it's everyone in my building, but that doesn't make my days any easier.
Why do I read blogs? Why do I go to the blogs of people I don't know and see what they're saying and going through? Why do I care who these people are? They live in states I will never visit, and they will never know how they have helped or not helped me. So why? Because maybe they will have figured out something I haven't yet. Maybe they will have some secret to surviving toddlerhood, wifehood and work in the same exhausting flurry I'm in. Maybe they will have the secret to the way that I can stay home and raise my child sometime before she starts school. Or maybe they will have some tiny similarity to my life to show me that:
- I'm not a nutcase
- It's okay that I'm far from perfect
- I would still struggle with being a bad wife and mom if I wasn't working
- Not working would not solve all of my problems
- I am a great sinner in need of a great Savior.
So how much of my state of being burned out is sin and how much is legitimate? I'm not really sure. But maybe here, there could be purpose in it.
Because I'm a working mom and a working wife. I love my husband and child dearly, but sometimes, I bring my work home. Papers, defeats, with teaching, it is difficult not to bring it home sometimes. I am struggling with the education profession right now: purposes, ideologies and methods. I survive exhausting days with teenagers that got more exhausting this year when they added extra classes to our workload. One of my colleagues said today that in the business world, if extra responsiblities were given to us, we'd get paid a little extra for it. Then again, we don't teach for the money - everyone knows that. But it has been difficult all the same.
So, without complaining, I say to you that if your life is difficult right now, it's OKAY. You can be redeemed and struggling. You can take joy in your adoption into the family of God and feel defeated by aspects of your life. It is okay. Don't look at other people and think about how easy they have it. We all have struggles, and if yours wasn't something, it would be something else. I know that it's difficult because I'm there, but you must keep your eye on Christ. Like our youth pastor said once, we need to have cross-eyes - a vision focused on the cross. As much as I hate my job currently, one day it will be dust. This world will be dust, my body will be a vapor, and I will be praising my King for eternity because He's worthy.
And maybe, that's why I blog. To remind y'all and myself about that very thing. Soli Deo Gloria.